He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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