Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
