Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
