i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
