we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
