I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
