I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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