We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
