Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My penis needs a shock collar
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
