i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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