the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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