she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
