i think my tv is drunk
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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