also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
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I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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