Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
They should really pass out barf bags in church
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
