bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
