I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
