you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
