I molested 6 butterflies tonight
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
