I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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