she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
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If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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