if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
