$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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