You just made me feel so damn special
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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