Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
