do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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