I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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