I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
