NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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