I just cut my nipple shaving
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
