I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
