you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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