I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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