He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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