In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
