mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
