Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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