so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
