College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
