I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
