saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
