Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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