You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
