You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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