Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My cat gives me a boner
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
