Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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