I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
