and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
