I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
