When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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