Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
be right there i have to get my cape
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
