apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
