i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
