If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
