LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
