I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
