Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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