we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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