I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
