final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
