it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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