Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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