You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
