I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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