I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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