So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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